How to Tackle Stress and Emotional Overwhelm During Mid-Term Break and Halloween

Let’s be honest, by the time the mid-term break rolls around, most parents are running on fumes. Between juggling school routines, homework, after-school activities, and everything else life throws at us, it’s no surprise we feel exhausted. And just when we think we’ll catch a break, Halloween sneaks up on us with costumes, candy, parties, and the pressure to keep the kids entertained.

Take Sarah, for example. She’s a mom of two who breathed a sigh of relief when mid-term finally arrived, thinking she could relax a bit. But by day three, her kids were restless, sugar-fueled, and the stress of Halloween prep was looming. Sound familiar? You’re not alone! In this blog, I’ll walk you through some simple, practical tips to help you and your family stay calm, manage the chaos, and actually enjoy this busy time.

5 Tips on How to Tackle Stress and Emotional Overwhelm During Mid-Term Break and Halloween

Tip 1: Take Stock

September and October are often the most busy and challenging months for parents and children. Big changes, transitions and getting back to school can mean that by the time the mid-term arrives, you and your child are exhausted! Add to this some Halloween overwhelm in the form of parties, scary things, sweets and lack of routine and things can become stressful very quickly! So, my first tip is for you to take stock of the last few months for both you and your child and do some reflecting and celebrating of the ‘wins’. Acknowledge your child's efforts and chat about their highs and lows as they adjust their pace, process the last few months and get ready for some time off. 

Tip 2: Prepare and Pre-regulate 

It's likely you are going to be doing some Trick or Treating, going to a party, meeting family and lots more. A great way to help your child regulate through this time is to prepare yourself and them for what's coming. This can help to pre-regulate their system. Try things like “We will be going from door to door and we might see scary, spooky decorations and people dressed up…what do you think that will be like? What will we do if you get a fright?”. Some children will also really benefit from preparation when it comes to trying on an outfit ahead of time and getting used to any new sensory experiences that may be ahead.

Tip 3: Manage Expectations

If your child is tired, overwhelmed, full of sugar it's likely that they will find regulation, small demands and social situations ‘too much’. This is normal and to be expected. So, it can help to have an attitude of “I will meet them where they are” or “my child is doing their best and so am I” rather than having high expectations for them to ‘be good' and then getting upset with them if they can't quite manage to meet them. Similarly, it can be helpful to manage your child's expectations of how things will go over the holiday. Chat with them in advance and help them with things like when they can eat their sweets, how late they will stay up and what activities you might do over the week.

Tip 4: Soothe the Overwhelm

If you find your child is becoming overwhelmed, notice their dysregulation and see regressions in behaviour, then try to 

1. Hold space for their feelings and help them to co-regulate with you 

2. Give language to their experiences by validating and acknowledging their emotions and experiences 

3. Bring in some routine back into your days, 

4. Take a break from the Halloween activities and sweets and have some down time.

Tip 5: Say ‘No’

Saying ‘no’ to family events, invites, parties and holding boundaries where you need to is essential. Being comfortable doing what suits you, your family and your individual child's needs is a fantastic thing to model for your children and a super way to avoid a lot of stress for everyone!

Conclusion

As the mid-term break and Halloween season approach, it's important to remember that it's perfectly okay to feel overwhelmed at times. Between school transitions, Halloween festivities, and managing everyday life, stress can easily build up for both you and your child. By taking stock, preparing in advance, managing expectations, and knowing when to say 'no,' you can create a more balanced and enjoyable experience for your family. Remember, it's not about having a perfect holiday but finding moments of connection and calm amidst the chaos.

Take a deep breath, trust yourself, and know that you’re doing your best – and that’s enough. Try out these tips and give yourself permission to step back when needed. Here's to a more relaxed, enjoyable mid-term break and Halloween!

For further guidance and resources: 

1. Join my community for ongoing support, exclusive content, and practical advice on parenting challenges.: https://www.hayley-rice.com/membership

2. The hugely popular and effective “Shame Free Discipline" webinar replay is now in the membership and also available to purchase as an unlimited access replay https://hayley-rice.circle.so/checkout/shame-free-discipline

3 Tips For Navigating Mental Load

In recent years, there’s been a growing awareness of the concept of mental load. The often unseen emotional and mental work that parents and caregivers carry to keep their households and families running smoothly. From managing schedules to anticipating needs, this constant cognitive juggling can take a significant toll on mental health and well-being. For parents, navigating this invisible burden is not just a matter of organization, but of emotional resilience. Understanding and addressing mental load is essential for fostering a balanced and healthy family, ensuring that everyone, including you as a parent thrives. Navigating mental load is crucial because an unmanaged mental load can lead to stress, burnout, or strained relationships.

In this blog, we will be looking at  3 tips that can be used to navigate mental health and 7 psychological techniques that will help you.

Tip 1: Get Clear

Mental load refers to the invisible, ongoing cognitive effort involved in managing all the tasks and responsibilities that keep a household running smoothly. It includes things like remembering schedules, planning chores, and worrying about future needs. This constant mental juggling can feel overwhelming and lead to burnout if not managed effectively. Understanding what mental load involves and recognizing its impact on you is the first step toward easing its burden.

Tip 2: Share

Once you have identified your mental load and the impact it is having on you, your day, your family, share this with someone. Talking to a friend, partner, therapist about this is a great way to process and start thinking about what might help. When you do this hopefully you can figure out ways to share the load in a practical way too. Our friends and partners can't read our minds, but we can invite them in and tell them what's going on in there. Having a series of conversations about how you can be resourced better will not only benefit you and your well-being, but will benefit your whole family too.  Some of our members have shared things that help them with the mental load such as: sharing household chores, getting children on board for chores, hiring a cleaner, having shopping delivered, looking at schedules together and making changes, reducing expectations when it comes to activities/ weekends, parenting with more consistency. Additionally, sharing isn’t just about delegating tasks, but also about emotionally offloading and feeling validated. Discussing mental load with a partner or therapist provides emotional relief, not just practical solutions.

Tip 3: Value Your Needs

When you talk about your mental load and ask for help you are really communicating that your needs matter and that you are worthy of help and support. Many parents don't like to ask for help and feel they ‘should’ be able to do it all and be ‘supermom’ or ‘superdad’ but, this doesn't benefit anyone and often breeds resentment and contempt. So, you placing value on your needs as a parent and expecting support for that is fantastic and a great thing for children to witness as they grow up. To manage mental load, think about ways you can share the tasks, and parenting. I know I will be making a ‘master list’ of things we need to do and from this list I will pick things I will do and John can pick the things he will do. I immediately feel lighter when I know I have support and the list isn't all mine! What will you do to get started?

Now that we’ve identified key steps to ease mental load, here are 7 psychological techniques you can implement to support these practices and further reduce stress.

7 Psychological  Techniques That will help you navigate mental load

The following techniques are practical tools to implement the tips discussed and further alleviate the mental load.

1. Mindfulness Practices

Mindfulness helps reduce stress and anxiety by keeping you present in the moment. It encourages awareness of your thoughts and feelings without judgment. To implement this, set aside 5–10 minutes a day for mindful breathing or meditation using apps like Calm or Headspace. You can also practice mindfulness during everyday activities like cooking or cleaning, bringing your full attention to the task at hand and reducing mental clutter.

2. Time Management and Prioritisation

Effective time management can help you stay focused and reduce overwhelm. Use the Eisenhower Matrix to categorize tasks based on urgency and importance, allowing you to focus on what truly matters. The Pomodoro Technique, which involves working in intervals followed by short breaks, can also boost productivity. Break larger tasks into smaller steps and set daily priorities to make responsibilities more manageable.

3. Delegation and Sharing the Load

Delegating tasks to family members can significantly lighten the mental load. Start by creating a shared family calendar to make responsibilities visible and distribute tasks more evenly. Talk with your partner or children about dividing household chores. Let go of the need for perfection, accepting that tasks might be done differently than how you would handle them, but still get done.

4. Set Boundaries

Setting boundaries helps protect your time and energy, which can prevent feelings of being overwhelmed. Establish clear work hours and communicate these to your family to minimize interruptions. Learn to say no to extra commitments that don’t align with your well-being. Additionally, implement screen-free or work-free times to mentally unwind, allowing you to recharge.

5. Journaling

Journaling can help you release mental clutter and reflect on both challenges and achievements. Spend 10–15 minutes each day writing down your thoughts, worries, or ideas, freeing up mental space. Gratitude journaling, which focuses on positive aspects of your day, can also enhance your mood and reduce stress by shifting your focus from challenges to achievements.

6. Self-Compassion

Self-compassion involves treating yourself with kindness, especially during challenging moments. Rather than being overly critical when things don’t go as planned, remind yourself that you’re doing your best. Engage in positive self-talk, acknowledging your efforts and progress instead of fixating on shortcomings. This practice can ease feelings of guilt and reduce pressure.

7. Break Mental Tasks into Physical Action Steps

Breaking down mental tasks into concrete actions can relieve cognitive overload. For example, instead of keeping a mental list of things to do, write them down immediately or use a task management app like Todoist or Google Keep. Organize tasks into specific days or time blocks to make them more manageable and free your mind from constantly keeping track.

Conclusion

Effectively managing mental load is essential for maintaining a balanced family life. By understanding what mental load entails, sharing responsibilities, and valuing your needs, you can alleviate stress and prevent burnout. Implement practical techniques like mindfulness, time management, and task delegation to support these strategies and create a more supportive environment for yourself and your family. 

For deeper insights and personalised support, explore our community resources to further enhance your approach to managing mental load.

1. Become a member of my community. The membership is for real support, learning and community. Sign up here:  https://www.hayley-rice.com/membership

2. Get clear on boundaries. You can get my  “Shame Free Discipline” webinar and scripts.  https://hayley-rice.circle.so/checkout/shame-free-discipline

5 Tips for Parenting Different Temperament

What is temperament?

Temperament is the natural, inborn part of a child's personality that influences how they interact with the world around them. It affects their energy levels, emotional responses, adaptability, and sociability. Since temperament is biologically rooted and relatively stable, recognizing and embracing these differences is essential for parents to create a supportive environment. By understanding your child's temperament, you can adopt strategies that honour your child's individuality while helping them thrive.

Sanguine (Social and Outgoing)

• Key Traits: Enthusiastic, talkative, energetic, and optimistic.

• Behaviour: Children with a sanguine temperament are highly sociable, love being around people, and are often the centre of attention. They enjoy new experiences and tend to adapt easily to change. These kids are often cheerful and have a positive outlook on life.

• Parenting Tips: Encourage their social interactions, but help them focus on finishing tasks since they can be easily distracted. Balance their need for excitement with moments of calm to help them develop patience.

Choleric (Assertive and Independent)

• Key Traits: Strong-willed, goal-oriented, confident, and sometimes impatient.

• Behaviour: Choleric children are natural leaders. They have a strong drive to achieve their goals and can be very assertive or even dominant in group situations. They are often quick to act and can be competitive, but they may struggle with patience and flexibility.

• Parenting Tips: Encourage their leadership abilities, but teach them the importance of teamwork and empathy. Since they can be headstrong, offer structured choices to avoid power struggles and foster cooperation.

Melancholic (Thoughtful and Sensitive)

• Key Traits: Analytical, detail-oriented, sensitive, and introverted.

• Behaviour: Melancholic children are more introspective, preferring quiet, thoughtful activities like reading or drawing. They can be perfectionistic, meticulous, and deeply emotional, often taking things to heart. These children thrive in predictable, structured environments and may be cautious when faced with new situations.

• Parenting Tips: Provide emotional support and a stable routine to help them feel secure. Encourage them to express their feelings openly and remind them that mistakes are part of learning, to ease perfectionist tendencies.

Phlegmatic (Calm and Easygoing)

• Key Traits: Calm, peaceful, patient, and content.

• Behaviour: Phlegmatic children are typically easygoing and get along well with others. They are usually unhurried and prefer peaceful environments. While they are great at maintaining harmony, they may be slower to take initiative and could resist change or conflict.

• Parenting Tips: Encourage them to express their opinions and be more assertive when necessary. Since they tend to avoid conflict and change, help them gradually adapt to new situations while respecting their need for stability.

It is important to understand these temperament styles so that you will be able to adapt your parenting style to fit your child’s needs.

What does knowing your child's temperament teach you?

Understanding your child's temperament helps you cultivate a deeper connection with your children and adapt their parenting approach to foster a healthier, more supportive environment. Here are some key lessons that temperament can teach parents:

1. Temperament teaches parents that each child is unique and requires a personalised approach to parenting.

2. Understanding temperament helps parents adapt their communication and parenting style to match their child’s needs.

3. Recognising a child's temperament fosters patience and empathy, leading to more compassionate responses.

4. Temperament allows parents to nurture their child's strengths while addressing challenges with appropriate guidance.

5. A deep understanding of temperament strengthens the parent-child bond by building trust and mutual respect.

How to parent children with different temperaments

Tip 1: Recognise and Accept

The first step is to recognise and accept each child’s temperament. What are their temperaments? Getting clear on this is a great first step so that you can recognise what temperament each of your children has. If your first child was ‘easygoing’ and took things in their stride and your second child comes along and is more reactive and ‘challenging’ it can be almost impossible not to compare. But, tuning in, recognising your child's temperament, and accepting where they are is a super way to keep you grounded in giving them the parenting they need. 

Tip 2: Personalise Your Parenting

You probably find that parenting approaches that work for one child, may not work for another. So, does this mean you need to constantly change your parenting style? That might be an overwhelming thought. Instead, think about identifying each child's strengths and challenges and being flexible in your approach. Having an openness when it comes to the strategies you might try, the time you spend with emotions, and your responses to their demands can give you a sense of freedom, creativity, and growth. You don't have to get it right every time, just be open to adapting as you see fit, adjusting your expectations, and meeting them where they are. 

Tip 3: Nurture Their Temperament

Each temperament will have different strengths and challenges, so to make your parenting a little smoother, it can be helpful to nurture your child's strengths and work on their challenges. See this as a long-term project. How might that look? If your child is slow to warm up, giving them time, avoiding labelling them as ‘shy’, and working on their esteem and confidence can be helpful. If your child is very reactive and finds it hard to regulate, then focusing on co-regulation, learning about feelings and support in hard moments will be hugely helpful. Similarly, whatever your child's strengths are, be their mirror and remind them of this often. Make praise personal and focus on effort over outcome. Help them to see their wonderful characteristics and feel a sense of pride in who they are becoming. 

Tip 4: Consider Sibling Relationships 

As much as you notice your children's differing strengths and challenges, chances are they do too! Working on sibling harmony and a positive view of differences can be very empowering for children. You want them to embrace who they are, not compare and feel bad about it. So, be mindful of comparing siblings out loud “Look, your sister is going over to play with those kids!” and instead stay in your personalised approach. Give siblings opportunities to play ‘team’ games together, work on a project together, and see each other as allies who lean on each others strengths and build upon challenges. Use sibling negotiation and facilitation skills in times of conflict so they can get to know each others temperaments too and how to navigate them. 

Tip 5: Communicate 

And finally, maintain open lines of communication with each child. Each temperament will struggle at certain points with different things. Knowing that they have a supportive space to go to with their challenges is incredibly important. Each time they do, they will internalise that support and create their inner support system. They will learn about their temperament and what works for them in times of stress. They will see themselves through your eyes and have an opportunity to embrace all of themselves. 

Conclusion

Understanding and adapting to your child's unique temperament can profoundly enhance your parenting approach, fostering a nurturing and supportive environment. By recognising and embracing the natural differences in your child's personality, you can tailor your strategies to better meet their needs, encourage their strengths, and address their challenges. Remember, each temperament type brings its own set of gifts and growth areas. Embracing these differences not only strengthens your bond with your child but also equips them with the resilience and confidence they need to thrive. As you implement these insights and strategies, you create a more harmonious and empathetic family dynamic, setting the stage for your child’s long-term emotional well-being and success.

For further guidance and resources:

Become a member of my community. The membership is  for real support, learning and community: https://www.hayley-rice.com/membership

3 Tips to Keep Good Boundaries with Kids

What are Boundaries in Parent-Child Relationships?

Boundaries in parent-child relationships refer to the limits and guidelines that help define the appropriate behaviour, roles, and responsibilities between parents and their children. They are essential for healthy development and maintaining a balanced relationship. As parents, we often face a myriad of challenges in defining and maintaining boundaries—whether it’s managing screen time, dealing with external pressures, or navigating complex family dynamics. Boundaries help clarify roles, expectations, and limits, which are essential for the child’s sense of security and respect. They provide a framework within which children learn about self-respect, personal safety, and healthy relationships.

In this blog, we will look into the importance of setting boundaries, explore why children need to be aware of their own boundaries, and provide practical tips on how to effectively establish and maintain these limits.

Why Should Your Children be Aware of Their Boundaries?

There are five major reasons why children should be aware of their boundaries:

1. Self-Respect: Understanding their own boundaries helps children develop a sense of self-respect and self-worth, recognizing that their feelings and personal space are important.

2. Personal Safety: Awareness of boundaries is crucial for personal safety. It empowers children to protect themselves from situations or individuals that may be harmful or uncomfortable.

3. Healthy Relationships: Knowing and respecting boundaries fosters healthier interactions with others, helping children build positive and respectful relationships with peers and adults.

4. Emotional Well-being: Setting and maintaining boundaries supports emotional well-being by allowing children to manage their stress and avoid being overwhelmed or manipulated.

5. Confidence and Independence: Recognizing and asserting their own boundaries boosts children's confidence and independence, enabling them to advocate for themselves and navigate various situations more effectively.

3 Tips on Ways to Maintain Boundaries with Kids

Tip 1: Children Want Us to Say ‘No’

I recently saw a television clip of a celebrity interacting with their child. The child was begging for the phone to play a game. The parent said ‘no’ over and over. The child began to escalate and whine and pull at the phone. So, the parents gave them the phone. You would assume this would make the child happy right? But, for the rest of the clip the child looked utterly miserable. ‘Winning’ this phone war was not actually the object of their endeavour in this instance! It was clear that actually they were pushing the boundary to feel the wall, to feel safety, to feel connection through containment. Everyday your children test you over and over and often beneath their begging and pushing lies the questions ‘can I trust you?’, ‘am I safe with you?’, ‘do you follow through on the things you say you will do?’, ‘are you predictable?’. Children are definitely not straight forward, they want and need to hear ‘no’ even if it doesn't seem like it!

Tip 2: Boundaries go Beyond Behaviour 

I often talk about boundaries in the context of discipline and hitting. But, boundaries go far beyond behaviours and are intertwined throughout the dynamics of the whole family. When your child says 'I'm thirsty' or ‘I can’t find my charger' the opportunity to use boundaries to build esteem and empower them towards responsibility arises. For example, you could go get them the water or go find the charger for them. Or, you could stay solid in a boundary of ‘it’s not my job to handle tasks that I can empower them to manage themselves.' When you resist the urge to cross the boundary and say things like 'ah you're thirsty? hmm what are you going to get/do?' or ‘ you lost your charger? wonder where it could be?’ then your child can really individuate themselves and begin to see a boundary between your role and theirs. Of course, you can offer support if they need it and even suggest they ask for that specifically ‘you want me to help? I’m here, just ask'. 

Tip 3: Your Boundaries Are Your Strength 

We recently spoke in the membership about how keeping boundaries with family members around your parenting style, choices and responses to your child's behaviour can be incredibly hard. It takes practice to get used to advocating for your child, standing up for what you believe to be right for them and to be fully confident in your approach to the point that if others don't like it, you are ok with that. But, it also takes bravery. As a parent you are brave every day in so many ways. When you hold boundaries with family members, advocate and say ‘no’ you demonstrate to your child how to do this for themselves and to be brave too. A boundaried parent is a wonderful guide for a child. Setting and keeping boundaries is an act of respect, an art of knowing what to let in and what to keep out while creating a space where you and your child can flourish.

Dealing with Resistance: Handling Children’s Reactions to Boundaries

Setting boundaries is crucial for a child's development, but it’s not uncommon for children to resist or test these limits. This resistance can range from mild pushback to full-blown tantrums. It’s important for parents to handle such situations with a balanced approach, combining firmness with empathy. Here are some strategies for managing conflicts and staying consistent without being overly rigid:

1. Stay Calm: Keep your composure to prevent escalating the situation. Reacting with frustration can make things worse.

2. Be Consistent: Apply rules consistently to reinforce their importance and avoid confusing your child.

3. Communicate Clearly: Explain boundaries in an age-appropriate way to help your child understand their purpose.

4. Validate Feelings: Acknowledge and empathize with your child's emotions without altering the boundary.

5. Offer Choices: Provide options within the boundaries to give your child a sense of control and cooperation.

Age Considerations

When implementing  boundaries, you need to consider the age of the child. There are various ways to deal with children depending on their current stages. The boundaries you set for toddlers will be basic, while those for school-age children will be a bit complex and teenagers will be more of a guiding behaviour with mutual respect.

1. Toddlers: Use simple, clear rules focused on safety and basic behavior.

2. School-Age Children: Implement more complex rules about responsibilities and social interactions, explaining the reasons behind them.

3. Teenagers: Shift to guiding behavior with mutual respect, balancing authority with their need for independence.

4. Flexibility: Adapt boundaries to align with both developmental stages and cultural expectations, ensuring they are effective and respectful.

Conclusion

In conclusion, setting and maintaining clear boundaries is essential for fostering a healthy and supportive parent-child relationship. By understanding and implementing age-appropriate boundaries, managing resistance with empathy, and respecting cultural contexts, parents can create a nurturing environment where children feel secure and empowered. Consistent and thoughtful boundary-setting not only enhances a child's development but also strengthens the overall family dynamic. 

For further guidance and resources:

1. Become a member of my community. The membership is  for real support, learning and community: https://www.hayley-rice.com/membership

2. The “ScreenWise Parenting' webinar and resources are available to purchase now. A great time to get equipped. https://www.hayley-rice.com/webinars

Parenting on the Same Page

What is your take on parenting on the same page?

Many parents will try so hard to encourage their partner to get on board with a particular style. But, it is incredibly common for parents to differ in parenting style, and in my experience- parenting on the ‘same page’ is a myth…and unnecessary too!

4 Tips for Parenting on the Same Page

Tip 1: Know What's Realistic

I speak to parents just like you every day and a super common question I get asked is "How do I get my partner on the same page as me when it comes to parenting approaches?". You are both different people, with totally different experiences of being parented that you will bring to the table. That means you will have different skill sets, strengths, and challenges. While consistency is really important, slightly different approaches can be helpful too. So, ask yourself, is the goal to be on the exact ‘same page’ or would the same book/ same chapter be good enough?

Tip 2: Collaborate Often

Many parents will have frequent arguments when it comes to how things with the kids have been/ should be handled. But, most do not sit down and make a plan or talk about it. Parenting is a big deal that is worthy of time and thought and centres around communication. Making time to collaborate on parenting is a game changer. Consider talking about and agreeing upon 3-5 core values that will form the foundation of your parenting style. Talk about your strengths, challenges, what went well and what didn't. Review these items often so that you can adjust and change as you and your children grow together.

Tip 3: Find Your Style

There are so many parenting approaches, styles, and techniques to choose from that it can be mind-boggling. And, what works for one kid might not work for another. So, rather than trying to follow a specific approach and sticking to it, think about tuning in to what feels right for you. Parenting is intuitive by nature and collaborating with your parenting partner is likely to flow more easily when you make your approach personal to your family.

Tip 4: Turn Off Auto Pilot

If you are continually clashing with your parenting partner, finding it hard to navigate triggers, and wanting to make changes but just can't seem to make them stick, then one or both of you may be on parenting auto-pilot. This means that you are defaulting back into patterns of parenting that may not be helpful and likely stem from the way you were parented. A super valuable thing to do is to become conscious of these patterns. When you do this with your parenting partner it can help you to both understand each other better and finally get to the ‘same chapter’ of that book! It takes bravery and time for sure, but the payoff is powerful.

P.S. Would you like me to help you further? I’m Hayley Rice, a child and adolescent psychotherapist specializing in play therapy courses, a parent-child relationship coach, a former teacher, and a training facilitator. Here are 2 ways I can help you:

1. Gain access to my members-only community for ongoing support:  https://www.hayley-rice.com/membership

2. Get started by working on patterns and triggers together with the “21 Day Challenge” https://www.hayley-rice.com/21-day-challenge

5 Ways to Navigate Defiance in Kids

Defiance in kids is a common challenge faced by parents today. As kids navigate the complexities of modern life, it's essential to understand and address their defiant behaviors effectively. This blog post offers practical strategies to help you navigate defiance in your child and foster a positive parent-child relationship.

Tip 1: Validate Your Feelings and Seek Support

Defiant behaviour can be emotionally draining for parents. It's important to acknowledge your feelings and seek support from trusted individuals or professionals. Remember, you're not alone in this journey. By validating your emotions and seeking help, you'll be better equipped to handle the challenges of defiance.

Tip 2: Understand the Underlying Reasons "Why?"

Defiance often masks deeper emotions or unmet needs. Try to understand the underlying reasons for your child's defiance. Is it a way of expressing frustration, seeking attention, or asserting independence? By identifying the root cause, you can approach it and address the issue effectively.

Tip 3: Shift Your Perspective

Instead of viewing defiance as a negative behaviour, consider it as a communication tool. Defiance can be a sign that your child is struggling with something. By shifting your perspective, you can approach the situation with empathy and understanding, fostering a more positive connection.

Tip 4: Set Clear Expectations and Boundaries

Is your goal for your child to be eternally ‘good’, to comply with everything? Is it ok for them to question you and push back, to disagree, and have a voice in your family? Sometimes we can hold children to incredibly high standards and compare their behaviour to their peers. Instead, think about resetting your expectations too. Rather than aiming for compliance, aim for cooperation, respectful disagreement, and collaboration when it comes to solving problems. While it's important to be understanding, it's also crucial to set clear expectations and boundaries. Establish consistent rules and consequences to help your child understand the limits of their behaviour. Avoid power struggles and focus on building a cooperative relationship.

Tip 5: Foster Connection and Playfulness

Defiance can often stem from a lack of connection. Make time for quality bonding activities and create a positive, supportive environment. Incorporate playfulness into your interactions to lighten the mood and strengthen your relationship. Sometime ago, a parent described a scenario when he asked his child to pick up all of the couch cushions they had put on the floor. The child said ‘no’. After repeated asking from the parent, the child said ‘I’m not listening to you' and walked away. Needless to say, the parent was a mixture of fuming and feeling like they had lost control. My suggestion in these situations with young kids is to make it playful wherever possible. Try things like: “Simon says ‘wiggle your butt’, Simon says ‘hands on your head’, Simon says ‘cushions on the couch”. Take part, wiggle your bum, and cut the moment with play as you reconnect and get them to cooperate with you and onto your team again. 

Navigating defiance in children requires patience and understanding. By implementing these strategies, you can build a positive parent-child relationship where your child feels seen and heard. Remember, you're not alone in this journey. There are resources available to help you on the path to a more cooperative and joyful family.

P.S. Would you like me to help you further? I’m Hayley Rice, a child and adolescent psychotherapist specializing in play therapy courses, a parent-child relationship coach, a former teacher, and a training facilitator. Here are 3 ways I can help you:

1. Gain access to my members-only community for ongoing support:  https://www.hayley-rice.com/membership

2. Get equipped by taking my course or webinar on the “Battle Free Behaviour” It is a great place to start https://hayley-rice.circle.so/checkout/1-2-3-battle-free-behavior-replay

3. Get the Tantrum toolkit here: https://www.hayley-rice.com/free-ebook

5 Tips to Stop Siblings Fight

Tired of constant siblings conflicts? Learn effective strategies to diffuse conflicts, foster cooperation, and create a harmonious home environment. Learn how to help your children develop problem-solving skills, communicate effectively, and build stronger sibling bonds in this blog.

Siblings fights are a common occurrence in many families. While they can be frustrating and stressful, they also provide opportunities for children to learn important life skills, such as conflict resolution and empathy. Here are five tips to help you diffuse sibling fights and foster healthier relationships between your children:

Tip 1: Catch the trigger  and Stay Calm

When a conflict arises, it's essential to remain calm and neutral. Your children are more likely to listen and cooperate if you approach the situation with a calm demeanor. Avoid taking sides or blaming one child over the other. Instead, focus on helping them find a solution together.

Tip2: Be a guide, not a referee

Instead of jumping in to referee when conflicts arise, think of yourself as a guide and facilitator. Encourage your children to express their feelings and thoughts about the situation. By listening to both sides, you can help them understand each other's perspectives and find common ground. Ask open-ended questions to encourage them to share their thoughts and feelings.

Tip 3: Facilitate problem solving 

Help your children brainstorm solutions to the conflict. Encourage them to consider different perspectives and come up with creative solutions. You can also suggest potential solutions, but ultimately, the goal is to help them develop their problem-solving skills.

Tip 4: Set Boundaries

It's important to set clear boundaries and expectations for behaviour. Let your children know what is and is not acceptable behaviour. Consistent enforcement of these boundaries can help prevent future conflicts.

Tip 5: Spend Quality Time Together

Spending quality time together as a family can help strengthen sibling bonds and reduce conflict. Engage in activities that everyone enjoys and create opportunities for positive interactions.

By following these tips, you can help your children learn to manage conflicts and develop healthy relationships with each other. Remember, sibling fights are a normal part of childhood, but with the right guidance, they can be a valuable learning experience as they become older.

P.S. Feeling overwhelmed by sibling fights? Learn more about my resources to help you raise calm, confident, and cooperative kids when you sign up and have access to my members-only area where various resources help you kickstart. https://www.hayley-rice.com/membership.

You can also gain instant access to my webinars and courses (Including by Siblings Without Stress Webinar! https://www.hayley-rice.com/webinars. 

Back to School: How to Support Transitioning Back To School For Teenagers

Knowing that transitioning back to school can be overwhelming for teenagers. Did you know that you can influence how they react/ thrive in that period? Whether your teen is starting secondary school or returning after the summer break, here are my top 3 ways you can support them with this transition.

Tips For Transitioning Back To School For Teenagers

Step 1: The first tip I have for you is YOU! You Matter Most

Many parents I work with find it surprising when I emphasize the importance of the parent's role in their child's well-being. Without you, your teen can’t survive! Have you ever heard the terms “calm is contagious”, “share your calm”, or “be the calm, not the chaos.” During my psychotherapy training, I heard these phrases all the time! I learned through years of training that we are all connected via our brains and nervous systems. That we can calm and soothe another person’s nervous system just by being calm ourselves. It's a powerful tool!

So, your calm state can greatly help your teen in getting off on the right foot this school year. Reducing stress for yourself, resourcing yourself any way you can, and sharing your worries with a friend so that you can be calm and steady during the back to school transition is so important. You must come first so that they can get the best of you. Of course, you are human, and reducing your stressors to zero is unlikely but increasing your self-care and reducing stress as much as you can will pay off! I used to get annoyed if someone suggested I try to reduce stress! Like, how? But, when I began to find a pocket of calm in my day, listen to my favorite song or just put my foot down and finally carve out some time for me- it was a game changer! I know this isn’t easy that is why I am helping you with this in my “Supporting Your Teen With School Transitions” webinar replay available here 

Step 2: Speak with your teens about their back to school worries

The next step is to speak with your teens about their worries. But how do I talk to them?

After being able to manage or reduce your stress a little and focus on being a sturdy and steady leader for your teen, it's important to engage them in conversations to know what their back to school stressors and worries are. Having this conversation can be tricky but I want you to think of any conversation you have with your teen as a beautiful, warm, inviting space for them to express themselves. Visualise it in your mind. It’s a cosy and peaceful place that makes them feel safe. Then, focus on allowing. Allowing them to speak to you at their pace, to say no if they don’t want to talk, to express fully their feelings. Allow your ears to do the work. Often in conversations, we listen to answers, jumping in with our advice right away. I urge you to try out listening, just to listen. Actively listen with your whole body- nod your head, lean in, and use your facial expressions more.

Why? Because everyone just like your teenagers wants to feel heard, like they are not a burden and like they have a safe place to bring their problems. This is the first step to connection and co-regulation. In my “Supporting Your Teen With School Transitions” webinar and supporting scripts you will find the rest of the steps!

Step 3: You don't have to sort out their issues immediately

What do you do after engaging your active listening skills and holding back on diving in with your thoughts and opinions when your teenager is sharing his/her concern with you and he/she is not solving their issues? This stage is incredibly hard! For me as a therapist, my job is to help! I want to sort it out. And I know you want to solve your teen’s problems and just make them feel better, but, being ok with not sorting it out immediately is essential!

There are so many things you cannot control and do not know, so solving their issues is impossible. And, honestly, solving it for them can be disempowering. So, allowing your teen to figure out their problems while feeling supported by your listening ears, and giving them the time they need to move through feelings is everything! Simple phrases like “Hmmm that sounds hard…I wonder what you think would help”, and “Ohh I hear you…tell me more…what could you do?” can be so powerful. Will you give them a try? Try it and Send me a message on social media if you do!

So, that’s it! Above are my three top tips to help you through this time of transitioning back to school for teenagers. I have a huge amount of scenarios, scripts, and in-depth strategies to give you the confidence you need with this in my webinar. So, if you are ready for a new way to communicate, connect, and support your teen, join me in my value-packed “Supporting Your Teen With School Transitions” webinar replay here!

If you'd like to access the webinar for free and some of my other resources that would help you with your parenting, you can sign up to become a member of The Hayley Rice community: https://www.hayley-rice.com/membership

Thank you so much for reading!

I hope the school transition goes smoothly,

Hayley x

Tips for Easing Back to School Anxiety

Whether your child is starting preschool or school for the first time, or they are getting ready to go back to school, I have three top tips to help you support your child in easing back to school anxiety and separating from you with confidence.

By Hayley Rice, Child and Adolescent Psychotherapist, Play Therapist, Former Teacher

Did you know that your feelings can rub off on your kids? It's true! Our brains are wired to pick up on the emotions of those closest to us. So, when you start having back to school anxiety during the back to school time,  your anxiety can easily transfer to your child. I hear it all the time: 'I'm dreading it,' 'I'm more anxious than they are,' and 'I'm terrified they'll have a meltdown.' But don't worry, there's hope! Read this blog to the end as I will  be sharing my top three tips to help you ease the back to school anxiety.

Three Tips To Ease Back To School Anxiety

1. Understanding Your Own Emotions

It's important to recognize that your feelings about your child returning to school significantly impact their experience. Many parents report feeling more anxious than their children. To effectively support your child, it's crucial to manage your own back to school anxiety. Here are ways to do that:

• Prioritize self-care: Engage in stress-reducing activities like meditation, exercise, or spending time in nature.

• Communicate your feelings: Talking to a friend, family member, or therapist can provide valuable support and perspective.

Set realistic expectations: Remember that it's normal for both you and your child to feel overwhelmed at times.

“How you feel about your child starting or returning to school really, really matters!”

2. Creating a Safe Space for Emotions

My next tip for you is to begin to welcome and allow your child’s feelings on school, whatever they may be! As humans, we have an innate drive to feel connection, belonging, and unconditional love. When children have negative or difficult feelings and aren't allowed to have them, they can experience emotional isolation or disconnection.

A disconnected child will find it hard to separate from you. So connection begins with allowing all feelings- not just the nice ones! You need to acknowledge and validate your child’s feelings and experiences. Children need to feel understood and supported when experiencing back to school anxiety. By validating their feelings, you create a safe space for open expression. Some of the ways you can achieve this includes:

• Active listening: Give your child your full attention when they express their concerns.

• Normalize feelings: Let your child know that it's okay to feel anxious or nervous and that many others feel the same.

• Offer reassurance: Remind your child of the positive aspects of school, like seeing friends and learning new things.

This can be hard to do sometimes but you can! I have designed 8 pages of scripts based on the most common school worries. They come with my Separate with Confidence webinar. You can get them along with the webinar here

“A disconnected child will find it hard to separate from you. Connection begins with allowing, acknowledging and validating feelings”

3. Harnessing the Power of Play

Play is the language of children, it is how they express, process and make sense of their feelings and their world. They will naturally play out their inner world without needing any help from you. But, you can harness this amazing tool to enhance and support their processing and even plant seeds that will grow into skills and transfer into a new way of seeing themselves in the lived world. Play with the theme of back to school, separation, transitions, friendships, and school work, and watch your child become more comfortable with what’s ahead!

A study carried out in the UAE in 2018 found that connective play with a parent significantly reduced anxiety in inpatient children being treated for acute anxiety in just 3 days. That is incredible! But, I’m not surprised, I know and have witnessed the power of play many times! I know you are busy, so remember, play can be hugely effective when done in quick bursts- you don’t need to sit for hours! You can adopt any of the approaches below to play with your child.

• Incorporate school-related themes: Play activities focused on school, friends, and routines can help prepare your child for the transition.

• Encourage problem-solving: Play scenarios that involve overcoming challenges can boost confidence.

• Create a positive school atmosphere: Play can generate excitement about returning to school and build anticipation for positive experiences.

For more on how you can use play and creativity as a tool for anxiety, you can access my Separate with Confidence webinar here or my Understanding Anxiety in Children online course for parents here.

Additionally, you can get these two courses and many others that would help you with parenting for free when you become a member of the Hayley Rice community. Yes! The courses are exclusively free to members of my community and you can become a member too. Sign up now: https://www.hayley-rice.com/membership

“You can harness the incredible power of play as a tool to help your child with school worries and anxiety”

By implementing these tips and fostering a supportive environment, you can help your child overcome back-to-school anxiety and enjoy a successful school year. Remember, patience, understanding, and consistency are key to building resilience and confidence in your child.

Hayley

Feedback for my Separate with Confidence webinar

“Thank you I found this evening so helpful. I am much more positive about her going back to school and will start 1:1 play time with her tomorrow”

“Thanks so much. This is very empowering! I love your Instagram posts too 🙏”

“Thank you so much it gives me much more confidence. Amazing thanks”

“Great webinar. Thank you. Definitely going to do the one to one play more often with my daughter and use it to help her feel more confident about starting Junior Infants”

“It was fantastic! I can’t wait to rewatch with Hubby. Very informative and some great tips! You should write a book..I would buy it!”

“Hi Hayley, I did your webinar last night and wow thank you so much! It was so helpful and so informative. This morning we are all just awake and my 7 year old who’s going in to first class says “I’m worried I will mess writing down my homework and I might miss something”. So, instead of me saying “you will be okay”..I was able to acknowledge how she was feeling, reassure her that everyone in her class would be learning this new skill and that teacher would give them time…I also said “I wonder if there is anything else you’re worried about?” and it opened a whole can of worms but ones I felt I could deal with. We were actually figuring out each worry and solving it. I can’t believe how much I learnt last night. I will do the anxiety course next. Thanks so much.”

“I’m Bored!” Things to Do When Bored at Home for Kids – Five Important Tips

Are you tired of hearing the phrase “I’m bored” too often? As the summer holiday is in full swing, you’ve likely heard your kids say, "I’m bored," more times than you can count. This can evoke a range of emotions from guilt and irritation to anxiety and dread. But rest assured, this isn’t a reflection of your parenting; it’s a natural response to the change in routine that summer brings. If you’re a parent wondering what to do when your kids are bored, read this blog to the end. I’ll walk you through five important things to do when bored for kids—without you being the center of their entertainment.

Read on to find out 5 important things about boredom!

What to Do When Bored at Home for Kids?

How do you handle it when a kid says, “I’m bored?”
Hearing the words “I’m bored” from kids repeatedly can evoke all sorts of feelings as a parent. However, instead of reacting, it’s important to acknowledge their feelings and help them understand that boredom is a natural part of life. You don’t need to feel guilty that you’re not doing enough with them, or feel irritated that they should get busy on their own, or have anxiety and dread about how to get through summer. No, you don’t need any of these feelings. This blog will share five important things you need to know about boredom so that you can relax and enjoy summer together. So, here are 5 things for you to know about boredom so you can relax and enjoy your summer together!

Things to Do When Bored at Home for Kids: Understanding Boredom

Boredom is good!

YES! You read that right!

It’s likely that your child has had an action packed school year and a busy schedule for the last 10 months. The summer is a time for them to finally slow down and rest. However, if they are used to having an action packed day, this may feel strange at first and will take some getting used to!

The first step in dealing with kids being bored is understanding that boredom is good. Yes, you read that right! Boredom arises from a switch in activities. During the busy 10-month school year, your kids have adapted to a packed schedule. The summer break, with its slower pace, feels strange because it involves a significant change in routine and environment. During the school year, they leave home daily, meet classmates and friends, and experience different environments. But in the summer, they’re confined to home, which can lead to feelings of boredom due to the reduction in stimulation and movement.

As a parent, understand that boredom is a sign your child is unwinding. During this period, one of the most important things you can do is support them by acknowledging what they’re going through. It’s normal for them to feel unsettled without a packed schedule, but this downtime is essential for their mental and emotional health.

As a parent, you are a guide to your kids, helping them navigate life’s challenges. This includes boredom. If you ever feel the urge to ‘fix’ your child’s boredom, take a deep breath and remember that it’s not your job to entertain them. Boredom benefits your child in many ways—from allowing them to unwind and daydream to sparking creativity and inspiration.

When your child tells you they’re bored, acknowledge it. You might say, “Ah, you’re feeling bored; it feels like there’s nothing to do. I see.” Then, offer them the opportunity to solve their own problem: “I wonder what you will come up with?” This response sets the tone for your child, encouraging them to explore their creativity and figure out how to spend their time.

When your child gets bored and you guide them towards figuring it out for themselves, you are communicating to them they you think they are capable. Although they may complain at first, most kids love to be given a sense of autonomy and be trusted to come up with a plan without the help of an adult.

In this way, boredom has been linked to resilience building, problem solving and the establishment of ‘grit’ in a variety of research. The fact that boredom often gives way the to best new inventions and creative ideas further consolidates this for the child- helping them to realise their abilities and internalise a sense of positive self-esteem.

But how?

In addition to the skills it builds, boredom also helps strengthen relationships. Boredom encourages children to engage in various activities that develop their play skills, which are directly linked to social skills. For instance, research on doll play shows that children build their capacity for empathy and perspective through this type of play. Similarly, role play allows children to ‘practice’ real-life skills like communication and negotiation, which can be translated into real-life interactions.

Boredom may also prompt children to seek out a sibling or friend to play with, fostering collaboration and cooperation skills that are crucial in building strong, healthy relationships.

Boredom skills?

Yes, boredom is a skill—and it’s one of the most valuable skills your child can master, as it prepares them for real-life challenges. While boredom may seem like a natural state, it can be difficult for some kids, especially younger ones. As a parent, you can help build their boredom skills by providing minor suggestions as a guide. For example, if your child is struggling to come up with new ideas, remind them of how great their past ideas have been. Show interest in the things they create, and encourage them to write down their ideas on a ‘boredom menu’ or put them in a ‘boredom box’ so they can revisit them in the future.

Conclusion

Boredom is a powerful tool for building real-life skills in kids. It fosters creative thinking, role-playing, communication, and collaboration—skills that are essential in everyday life. The next time your child says they’re bored, remember that it’s an opportunity for them to grow and learn. Embrace the boredom, guide them when necessary, and watch them develop skills that will benefit them for a lifetime.

Found this valuable? Share with a parent!

Hayley