Breaking the Cycle of Shame: Parenting with Connection and Trust
Parenting is a journey full of challenges and learning moments. One of the most subtle yet impactful elements in the parent-child dynamic is shame, an emotion that can sneak into our words and actions, sometimes without us even realising it.
While shame-based discipline might seem effective at the moment, it can have long-lasting negative effects on your child’s emotional development and your relationship with them. The good news? You can break the cycle.
In this blog, I’ll share three actionable tips to help you replace shaming behaviours with connection, understanding, and trust-building approaches. Let’s dive in!
Tip 1: Identify Your 'Shame History' to Improve Parenting
If you find yourself using shaming language in moments of frustration, it might be time to reflect on your own experiences with shame.
Phrases like “I’m so disappointed in you” or “You’re acting like a brat, none of the other kids behave this way” are common disciplinary tactics that many of us heard growing up. If these messages were part of your childhood, it’s likely they’ve become a default part of your parenting toolbox.
Understanding your own ‘shame history’ is the first step to breaking the cycle. Recognising how shame shaped your experiences helps you become more intentional about avoiding it with your children.
Tip 2: Recognise and Address Shame in Real Time
Shame doesn’t just show up in parent-child relationships, it can emerge in how we interact with ourselves and other adults too.
Shame is that voice in your head saying, “I’m not good enough” when you make a mistake or fall short. For example, I recently caught myself mid-sentence as I was shaming my fiancé. He forgot a few items during a grocery run, and I began with, “You never check the cupboards first, you always do this!” Midway, I realised how shaming my words were.
Instead, I paused and said, “That came out shaming! Let me start again.” We laughed, and I suggested creating a shopping master list for the future. Switching from shame to solutions isn’t easy, but it’s worth it!
To remove shame from your parenting, practice spotting and addressing it in your interactions with yourself and others.
Tip 3: Understand the Harmful Effects of Shame on Your Child
The most important step in eliminating shame is understanding the harm it causes.
For children, who are naturally egocentric and emotionally immature, their sense of self-worth is shaped by how others treat them. Shaming minimises their feelings and instills harmful messages like:
“I’m not good enough.”
“I’m a bad kid.”
“I can’t be myself if I want to be loved.”
When children are shamed, they often internalise the belief that they are bad, not just their behaviour. This damages the parent-child relationship, inhibits cooperation, and teaches little about self-regulation or growth.
Research shows that shame motivates people to withdraw from relationships, undermining the trust and connection necessary for effective discipline. Removing shame creates space for meaningful relationships and true learning.
What’s Your Experience?
Have you ever caught yourself shaming your kids? After reading this, what steps will you take to address it? Share your thoughts in the comments, I’d love to hear from you!
P.S. Need more support? Here are two ways I can help:
Join our membership community: A hub packed with resources and tools for parents. Learn more: https://www.hayley-rice.com/membership
Explore our self-paced course on Shame Free Discipline: https://hayley-rice.circle.so/checkout/shame-free-discipline